Star of Wonder

Sunday. 6pm Modern Worship Service. Sufjan Stevens' "Star of Wonder." Amazing. This is the kind of music that urges my heart to process. Listen, but imagine it live and at church!

Antabuse

So there is a medication called Antabuse that's used in treatment for alcoholism. Basically it's a drug that causes nausea and vomiting if you ingest alcohol. Sort of a behavior modification tool, if you will. Drink booze= feel really bad. Tonight, the lovely people from Trophy Cupcakes delivered a box of end-of-day cupcakes. I figured that I would treat myself to one, since I've been doing so well on WeightWatchers, and don't think that deprivation is such a great thing. So, I had a very rich peanut butter cupcake.....only hours later to be stricken with HORRIBLE-GNAWING- BURNING-RIP MY EPIGASTRIC AREA OUT OF MY BODY RIGHT NOW pain. It's no good. And I suspect my gallbladder is having a little bender inside my belly. Everything was fine. Was having a lovely evening, like a tea party that got crashed by Hell's Angels. Despite four "GI cocktails" (a mixture of maalox and lidocaine, and one with donnatol), the pain persists. I feel better when I breath like moms in labor, doubling over into a squished ball, and crying. Crying makes everything better, even when it doesn't. One of the docs I work with suggested that I checked into the ED to be seen. I, of course, said no with my response being "But, I'm going to Africa in 2 days." I don't think this "rationale" is very rational, but I'm not into checking into the ED. Anyway, to get to the point....that stupid cupcake is to weight loss as antabuse is to alcholism treatment. I still feel like I want to take a spoon and scoop out my guts. That sounds like relief.

PS: Let me know if I didn't put enough hyperlinks in this post. Geez Louise.

and maybe when I wake.

So maybe now it's time

And maybe when I wake

They'll be there calling me Baby,

Maybe.

I'm so mad I want to scream in my pillow, then cry myself to sleep. Whatever.

I'm pretty sure no one is reading this anymore....which, I suppose doesn't bother or surprise me. So, why bother writing. Just to vent I guess. Blogging when no one reads is kind of like a counseling session. Talking it out to my computer screen.

I've got that nervous, anxious, sad, mad, frustrated feeling. Like butterflies in your stomach, but the bad kind. The ominous kind. Things at work seem to be mounting. Everyone complains, but nothing gets better. But the complaining isn't done in a way that makes changes. For the people that do take proper avenues to "complain", to try to institute some changes, these pleas fall on the deaf ears of management. It's frustrating to finally come to the realization that the organization's mission is completely different in practice and among staff. It's angering to remember the peppy new hire orientation staff who welcomed us gleefully, said to us how "We want you to make a difference and participate in this great organization. You're valuable. You're ideas can make our organization even better." NOT! Work sucks right now. As a not-so-aside aside, I'm actually thankful for the Union. I'm kind of anti union and the propaganda they push on us, the members who are FORCED to join. But today I am glad that there is someone to represent me against "the organization". More on that probably never.....

Next topic....I feel hurt, and jealous, and left out. I feel secondary and put aside for better things. I'm tired of being treated as an afterthought or a squish-in*. But this seems to always happen to me in friendships. Ultimately, I am the one willing to devote my time, but that is not reciprocated. I've had this building feeling about one friend, and recently, it's become something difficult to ignore/reconcile/justify/rationalize/stuff deep inside.

I don't know how to right the wrong I feel. I feel like i've been X'd out of this person's life, only to be squished in when it's ultra convenient and effortless for that person. And my pattern is to back off completely. Thoughts of cutting the person out of my life completely are becoming more frequent and more difficult to ignore. I'm jealous that someone better came into her life. I'm mad at myself for feeling jealous. I'm sad that i cannot share in that happiness of her life.

It's times like these that I wonder if I'll ever be capable of not being single. I'm too imperfect for a relationship, and not at a point where I deserve that happiness.

So, for now and as always, I'm excluded......ugh.

*when someone can only fit you into a very small, microscopic, miniscule crack in their day...thereby you are squished into their day (and you should consider yourself VERY lucky to be graced by her/his presence.

Africa! Wait, what? Africa?!!!

I'm going to Africa. That's right, you heard me. I'M GOING TO AFRICA! I feel like i have so much to say, but i can't quite express it as my words are too wrapped in emotions. I kind of just want to spit it out, and relieve myself of the mounting giddiness, deep excitement, and anticipated growth with this trip. While I'll only be in Sierra Leone for 11 days, I can already see that God has ordered my steps and has been preparing me for some time for this trip. (Although, it comes as a huge shock that I'm actually going.) Years ago, I had a huge fear of Africa and thought that by merely flying into the continent I would contract some horrible, incurable disease: Ebola, HIV...slightly irrational, but my fears are largely bred by the work of American Media. OK, back to what I was saying. Where was I? .............................I found out about the trip a couple of weeks ago, and in less than 48 hours from time of hearing of trip, my flight was booked and i was officially going to Africa. I feel much less overwhelmed as I process the details, accomplish pre-trip tasks, and continue to pray. Honestly, my prayers are less formal and more like thoughts directed upwards. And, I'm finding, amazingly, that God is desperate to feed my soul. I feel like he's talking to me daily through people, things i read, the bible....it's AWESOME, and sustaining and life giving. I love this time. I would love to revel in the love and divine guidance I'm receiving, but a part of me feels breathless and worries that the flame is burning too hot and will soon die. My hope is that i can be sustained in Christ's love for me and that I continually am affirmed of His greatness and control. Living in obedience is rewarding, and I am thankful that God has chosen to walk next to me showing me how to act to fulfill his purpose......

yep, I'm going to Africa.

another dream

on the coat tails of a blog entry about dreams, comes another weird dream last night.  i wish my brain would record the dream so i could watch it.  last night's dream was so strange.  i think it started with me buying a kitten for $7.  He was a tabby and i forget what i named him, but it was the best name ever.  i was worried that i would get in trouble for getting another cat, but my step dad said it would be ok.  i don't know why he was in my dream, but he loves kittens.  then i was at a pseudo clinical area.  there were regular beds and a bunch of people in the patient's room.  one of my co-workers was the patient.  he was there for some kind of pain, and i was concerned that he was becoming a drug addict.  i tried to put an iv in him, but couldn't.  then i got mad because i couldn't.....and then there was a bunch of water everywhere in the dream.  when i got the kitten, there was a couple feet of water, and in the clinical part of the dream too.  

strange.  maybe this is why i feel so tired after i sleep.

dream a little dream for me

there was a period of time, years actually, where i didn't dream at all.  but for the past month or so i've been dreaming the strangest dreams.  

two nights in a row i dreamed about Zach.  the dreams about him aren't pleasant, more disturbing. in the dreams he aggressively ignores me or confronts me...kind of like real life!  so why is he invading my dreams all of the sudden.

tonight i fell asleep during a rerun of SNL.  I dreamed that i was on a road trip and trying to decide what car to buy.  since we (a group of unknowns) were in a different state, the car i wanted wasn't there.  I felt worried in the dream about making a car purchase.....kind of like real life!  I just bought a car almost 2 weeks ago, and feel mildly significant buyers remorse.  i daydream about winning a larger sum of money to pay off my loan.

there was a recurring component to the car dream i had today.   i don't even know where to begin to explain it.  my friend Jil is in it, but she doesn't look like Jil in the dream.  She's sitting in a restaurant or maybe it's her apartment, but it's deserted.  and there is nothing but old food in the fridge.  but i can still order and some other people are setting up a feast in another room, and it's a gorgeous table.  it's outside with sparkling lights and crisp white table linens.  and it turns out it's a party for me.  i can stay as long as i'd like.  no one seems put out, they're all happy and don't mind that it's late.   (it makes me think of the other world in "Coraline" before it becomes scary.)  then i woke up because my pup needed to go outside.  

i fuess there are a lot of theories about dreams, but no one really know....

here's some reading information.